a Man?

Today, i admit to my greatest mistake.. As i sipped the scalding Chai tea latte form Kuy Da Ta, I listened to the words, carefully, from my best friend. We were discussing what we have been for the past couple of weeks. The situation is long and tedious, but the run down is as followed; Boy likes Girl, Girl likes Boy. Boy and Girl get close. Boy and Girl live apart. Girl misses Boy. Boy misses Girl. Girl gets clingy. Boy gets scared. Girl gets hurt.

Same story different verse. To be honest, i have no idea how i am to feel about the whole situation. I am split between the fact that two of my very close friends, are now on shaky terms. I supose that I was holding resentment twards the girl friend, (for other reasons as well) because she, at the moment was annoying the living shit out of me.

Where is the relevance in all of this? Why do I publicly discuss my friends business in my blog? Because as i sat, eating the curious brown cookie that came with my tea, i realized. I also was the girl.

Not in a literal sense of course, but the fact that our stories were almost identical. My senses heightened, as the hair on the back of my neck rose. I could see out the window, of a huge endless night sky, the same sky we looked at together. I smelled deeply into my cup, and how floral tea remind me of the way her house smelled. How I could so vividly articulate what memories still lingered in my head, good or bad was satisfying. it was a Monumental experience.

So i sat. Blankly. Staring into the cup of green liquid, as my mind raced with similarities between our two teenage love affairs, only to find how heartbreaks change you, and how biter we let our selves become. I looked up to my best friend, and slowly said, "I was wrong about Ellie."



As those words left my lips, i could feel myself feel lighter. How high i built these walls of sorrow, and grief only to give myself a more palatable explanation. . i would use excuses like "how could she do this to me?" or "shes breaking my heart" when in reality, I am the one who pushed her away. With all my pestering and lovey dovey bullshit, I'd be sick of me too. Seeing it from your perspective, is VERY unattractive.

Not intentionally, but because I too because the overprotective, lustful, clingy bastard that my friend became. I made the mistake of thinking that we would last forever, and my actions had no consequences. Well, as we both found out, they do.

The whole time i was annoyed with my friend on how clingy she was. "I miss _____." "Were drifting." " i miss him". All i really wanted to do was to get her to shut up. The frustration was unbelievable. However, now comparing the two stories, i realize, i was no better.

Keep in mind that was all in an instant, where the feelings of anguish and defeat, were suddenly swept away by the humbling fact that I was wrong. So as I stared deeply into the tea, i grabbed the rosary that my friend gave me, and whispered "thank you".

And you, i know how you feel. Keep your head up kid, and keep going.

I feel so satisfied being able to admit i was wrong. It actually does me satisfaction knowing that you stuck with me as long as you did.




Dedicated to My best friend.

Summer

Oh my god, how to I describe my summer thus far? The fact that I'm barley skimping by with sleep, and basically running off of energy drinks and 5 hours, is proof enough of my monumental weeks off. The hillarity in the whole shebang is that its all based off of pure COINCIDENCE. I never though in a million years, that i would make as many beautiful Friends, memories, and be as sleep deprived. Ive meet as many people in as many hours, and to be honest, i don't know where these people have been my whole life. But i don't want to give the impression of replacing my old friends, but a trip from the norm is always nice.

Over the past 8 daysI've learned alot about myself, as well as others. I've seen the serenity that the world has to offer, if only you choose to seek it out. I've people, exsausted from the night before drag them selves out to have one more adventure. I've seen the most beautiful people I've ever met, physically and mentally.

Whats more, is I finally found the satisfaction that I've been longing for. I love the half ass planning, Kevin Kai's bitching about driving me home, the money draining, the red eyes, the oily face, the not perfect image, It's all worth it by far. This summer has been the most amazing EVER. The faces of my new friends have been engraved into my mind, as if we've known each other our whole lives. I've learned so much from you, and that's basically what a friend should do. I love you guys, with all my heart. Thanks for saving me from a summer off sitting on my ass and being sorry for myself.

alright fuckwad

Your really that ignorant, and surprising its more amusing than anything. your mad at me because I start a conversation, that is to awkward to carry on because YOU made it that way. Dont EVER forget, how we got here. You wernt willing to step out of your tiny box, willing to take a chance, or even let yourself feel anything other than what you were used to; nothing. Truthfully i wasn't really willing to give a shit either. I dont have time for a manic depressive girl such as yourself, that finds no joy in life. You wonder why I "im you and dont talk to you" YOUR THE MOST HYPOCRITICAL PERSON IN THE WORLD. What was it like when it was ME calling every fucking night? ever fucking day i walked you to your locker. Dont even talk to me about effort. You sealed your image long ago in my eyes. its about fucking time you "moved on". Its been to long anyways. And who's the one checking blogs, every other day when its obvious its been inactive for weeks? dont make it out to seem like im the bad guy here, because in all truth, you fucked yourself buddy, face it and stop blaming me. And i know you too well, i know your going to show this to everyone and their mother. I dont fuck so before you mention my name in another negative way, think about it first. Thats what i get for actually being intrested in a girl with a pretty face, with a fuckload of emotional baggage to boot. Forget about me, do yourself a favor kid. I have nothing nice to say about you; nor will i ever again.

Fruitless

Stayed home today, i feel like a heaping pile of boogers. DENTION TOMORROW. waking up ay 6:00 is NOT my idea of fun. Ugh, i havent been keeping on top of blogging, i find it harder to write about anything, its pretty much the same. 

Soccer was pretty intereting yesterday. It was fun, but seriously dude, your not that cool.  Get it through your head no one cares.

If these eyes could talk

Today was decent. Testing is easy, and its fun to go to 5th first. The day kept dragging on, so i just zoned out and though about the rest of my week.

I think im gonna get a gym membership, i mean shoot, its just across the street. No more excuses! time to slim down.

950 Goal points form soccer.com. FML.


and i dont even wanna try anymore.

Fuck

I hated today. And i know i cant call you. fml. i miss you. I still dont understand.

I love my life.

I'm genuinely happy again. Its relieving to know that there are people i can surround myself with, to make life go smoother. Blogging is entertaining (sometimes) but i don't think im gonna keep current with it. Maybe a few posts, here and there.

So basically my life's been simpler as of late. Im not complicating myself with things that cause problematic issues. Simple life bitches. Schools been alot better. I'm actually able to commit to things, and nothing is more satisfying then achieving my own goals.

Soccer. Oh, do i have tales of brilliance, and stories of woe. Honestly, i frankly think i still cut corners. I DO have talent, not to be cocky, but its the product of 10 years of dedication, i just dont take it serious. Its hard, to feel motivated to put on a uniform for a lack luster team. Now i know how the Detroit lions must feel. PWNED. Jokes aside, i truly desire to become a well rounded futboler, and while im making steps towards it, i wish i could step a bit faster. ALOT faster for that matter. Soccer is 10% skill and 90% attitude. I need to find the passion that i felt when i was playing u10 pal. I count myself out and doubt myself. Not anymore though. I cant truly be proud of myself until i give 110% every practice, game, meting. No more excuses, nothing less then the stars.


BTW, im really glad were getting to know each other. I just dont think your as interested as me, and that's gonna be an issue.

2009

Alright, blogging once again. So pretty much, im not happy with much in my life. I seriously need to get away. I dont feel proud of anything i do, because my attitude is so pessimistic and drowning in sorrow and self pity. My school work, is pathetic. I've always coasted of the success i've felt all around me. Why is it so hard for me to just do the fucking work? So if that means me sacrificing my social life for my future, then so be it. I have dreams of being a sucessful person, and fucking up now will only hamper my chances.

Soccer=my life; or rather was my life. Honestly, my modvation is pathetic. I dont really have a point in going, if all i do is half ass it all the fucking time. Commitment is the easiest thing to think of, but the hardest to persue. No more. The one thing im actaully blessed with won't be wasted anymore. Ive only got so many more years of it, and im done fucking around.

And you, you you you you you. whats to say about you? just the fact that i cant stop thinking about you and its rather pathetic. Hella hot'n'cold off that shit. Im not asking for anything from you. You have a new dude, and frankly i dont care. It just bugs me sometimes. It'll pass, in time. Right now though, it sucks major. Oh well, better to have loved. I had a crazy dream btw yesterday, one i hope never to have again. You must have shit in your brain to think that i could ever be capiable of hating you. Dont get your shit tiwisted, you know who i am.


Life sucks, but its in my hands.